New Rules

I actually don’t have any set rules for this blog - there’s implied ones, like no posting naked photos - but otherwise I’ve just posted whatever was rattling around in my head at the time. However I’m going to try and set two new rules for my blog, which may still be broken from time to time. If I were a suit I’d probably use the term “best practices” to describe these, but I’m not a suit.

New Rule 1: no more than one rant post per month.
It’s way too easy to rant about things. Opinions are like ass holes, everyone’s got one. And generally my opinions revolve around these tenets of negativity: I hate the provincial government, I don’t like babies, I detest organized religion, I hate cell phones and Blackberry phones, the high cost of living in Vancouver sucks, I think common courtesy is extinct, and I would enjoy paying my taxes if they were actually used in a socially responsible manner.

So I’ll probably rehash these topics from time to time, but it will be a concerted effort to scale back on being a crusty old man. It’s too easy to criticize things around me, and even easier to criticize things without actually doing anything. Because of my inherent laziness, I usually do the latter. Time to cut back on that, at least in blogging terms.

New Rule 2: no moar tiklz!

Steak McSalad

It’s not often I wake up remembering quite vividly what I dreamed the night before. This makes it hard to know whether I simply don’t have dreams most nights, or just don’t have the ability to remember them. It’s like the “tree falling in a forest” riddle; if I don’t remember having a dream, did I even have one in the first place?

Anyway, a few days ago I did wake up remembering a dream from that night’s sleep (unfortunately, as you’ll learn, this dream did not involve Mandy Moore, Salma Hayek, and Olivia Munn washing my brand-new Audi TT while wearing white t-shirts and bikini bottoms… sigh). The dream involved eating at McDonald’s, and I’d ordered a Big Mac. This Big Mac was the size you see them in advertisements - about as thick as the Vancouver Yellow Pages. However, after a few bites I realized the burger was extremely dry, so I went to the counter to order a McLean burger. What was handed to me was the McLean as you may remember it, except it had half a biscuit on the top with a thin circular butter patty between it and the top of the burger bun.

I took a few bites of this McLean Biscuit hybrid, and returned to the counter to look at the rest of the menu, where I spotted a new menu item. It consisted of a medium-rare slab of beef - brown on the outside, bloody red on the inside - containing a ’salad’ that was basically alfalfa sprouts and mayonnaise. Next, I found myself checking a nutritional information guide about this menu item, and found it contained 9 grams of saturated fat.

You know, nine grams of fat for what I’m calling, post-dream, the Steak McSalad, isn’t bad at all.

So there you have it. A portion of what I’m sure was a bigger and likely much weirder dream. Unfortunately my brain didn’t keep notes on the other parts, so when I woke, a bloody meat salad bowl is all I was left with.

It’s rant time again.

I’ve tried so hard the past few weeks to not write posts out of bitter, concentrated hatred. However I have to return to the rant-style post today with something that really cooks my goose, and it’s a common subject: global warming and the provincial government.

If you watch any Canadian TV channels, or read any newspaper, you’ve seen the ads: global warming is YOUR FAULT, residents of BC. Everything you do is wrong. Because of your disregard for the environment, you’ve caused global warming, which in turn has caused forest fires, the pine beetle epidemic, flooded rivers, and water shortages. But wait! The government is here to save you. Just do what we say, and everything will be better.

That’s the cynical view of it - but the government has had the audacity to directly link those four problems with global warming, which is such a leap of logic that they might as well tell us rain is caused by God’s tears. Here’s a more plain explanation: forest fires are caused by lightning and human carelessness. The pine beetle deforestation is caused by the pine beetle. Flooded rivers have happened since the beginning of time. Water shortages are caused by a population convinced they need green lawns, bottled water, and manicured golf courses.

I’m not a “climate change denier”; I know a warming earth has at times increased the occurance or amount of the above natural disasters. And humankind’s way of living today has amplified this beyond what’s normal. What burns my balls is that the government is putting the blame on its people as the root cause. Never mind that climate change was a cause for concern twenty years ago, and ignore the inaction by governments at all levels to mandate reduced industrial and automobile pollution. Even now, the Liberals would like us to believe that tax rebates on new a new washer/dryer or hybrid car will turn the environmental Titanic around. Throw in a fuel tax, exactly none of which is earmarked for true “green” initiatives, and our government has cooked us a plateful of horse shit. Feel guilty about what you’ve done, people of BC, but buy a whole bunch of new crap and pay your (new) taxes. That’ll help.

Just to be a pompous ass, here’s a list of what we’ve done in the past year to “go green”.
Became a one-car household. Started taking commuter rail service to work. Replaced 75% of our light bulbs with CFLs. Have never turned on our electric heat. Currently recycle more, by volume, than we throw away. Inherited low-flow taps and shower fixtures. Do not own an air conditioner. Started using those silly reusable shopping bags.

And here’s what the provincial government has done in the past year:
Introduced a fuel tax.

So please forgive me if I get angry that the Liberals have the gall to put the burden of “going green” squarely on the shoulders of the individual. Yes, we all need to do our part, but unless the government grows some balls and legislates industry to clean up its act, I’m calling the “Live Smart BC” ad campaign what it is: alarmist, guilt-inflicting bullshit that tries to deflect our attention from their gutless pandering to big business and industry.

It may be time to be a guy again

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve bought any “guy toys”. You know, something electronic that costs between 200 and 400 dollars, does not improve quality of life in any tangible way, would make my ladyfriend secretly despise me for buying it, and will be outdated in twelve months or less. The most recent electronic toy purchased was the Wii, and that was more than a year ago. Despite my recent hate-on for consumer junk, I can’t deny my senseless desire for tech toys. It’s been too long since I had a hit of new-toy-satisfaction. Here’s a rundown of things that are currently under consideration for some old-fashioned money-wasting.

A new computer.
The iMac we have is almost four years old. It does everything I need it to (email, surfing, Photoshop, Illustrator, iPhoto) albeit very slowly. It struggles to play back videos, and there’s a limit of about three active programs open before it essentially ceases to function in any useful way. A new one would be in the thousand-dollar range, which is the main reason I haven’t ditched the current computer. Offsetting the cost is the odd fact that I could still sell a four year old iMac for about $350. You couldn’t trade a four year old PC for a dirty shoe.

A Playstation 3.
In the decades-long Console Wars, Sony’s PS3 is currently the WWII equivalent of Russia; it’s barely hanging on against Wii Germany, but it has placed its stake in the ground, defeating the HD-DVD format in the battle of Stalingrad, and its fortunes are starting to turn. Okay, this metaphor sucks, but the PS3 is slowly coming into its own, and it would complement my HDTV quite nicely. Bonus: I can use my Sony Mastercard points to cut its price in half, to about $200.

The iPod Touch.
No, not the iPhone, just the music/video player. The rare times I listen to music on my commute, the ol’ monochrome-screen iPod serves its purpose well. But I’d love the option to watch podcasts or TV series on the way to work, and the new iPod is the cream of the gadget crop. Obstacle: too expensive. Starts at $250 and it’s inevitable that next year there’ll be a better model at a lower price.

The Wii Fit.
In some parallel universe, the Wii Fit would actually be found in places called “stores”. However, we live in a perpendicular universe where Nintendo can’t stock the shelves with their latest silly experiment in gaming. I’m wary of this gadget because I’ve gone 6 or 7 weeks without even blowing the dust off the Wii, and my Guitar Hero dabbling was a huge waste. If it’s genuinely fun, great; if not, I’m stuck with a hunk of plastic and a game I’ll never play.

Things I do not know how to do

Tie shoelaces like everyone else.
That whole looping a lace around the tip of your finger and pulling it through, well, somewhere that I’ve never figured out? Yeah, I can’t do it. I’ve only met one other person who ties shoelaces the gimped way I do, which leads me to believe I’m in an extreme minority on this one.

Pop a wheelie on a bicycle.
How the hell do people do it? I seriously can’t figure it out. Doesn’t help that I haven’t been on a bike in about eight years, either.

Do an ollie on a skateboard.
I never owned a skateboard, and the few friends of mine who did never taught me how. Not a huge loss, since I’m now old and skateboards figuratively represent those no-good kids who are always on my lawn.

Play piano or guitar.
Manual dexterity just isn’t strong enough in me to play either of these instruments. The only musical device I learned to play, with an inadequate amount of success, was the trumpet. It only has three valves.

Perform a cartwheel.
Despite the fact our section at the Lions games cry for the cheerleaders to do it, I couldn’t perform a cartwheel to save the world. My cartwheel ability consists of putting two hands on the ground and collapsing in a pathetic heap.

Drive like an asshole.
If you’re not an asshole, it’s almost impossible to drive like one. When your driving repertoire does not consist of tailgating, changing lanes every 100 meters, peeling out at stoplights, or laying on the horn when someone isn’t doing what you want them to, you can’t change. Which segues into…

Peeling out.
My dad once asked me, while diagnosing my VW Beetle, to stop the car then rev the engine as though I was going to peel out. Since I don’t know how to do that, I think from that moment on my dad’s continued to call me Nancy.

Golf.
Take me to a driving range or a pitch-and-putt and you’ll see the best example of someone who should never pick up a golf club. If I was told to drive golf ball, do a cartwheel, or face certain death, I’d probably just go for death rather than embarrass myself before dying.

Pretend to like babies.
Someone brought their tiny new baby to work, and while everyone rightfully coos and fawns over it, when presented to me, my reaction was that of a deer in headlights and the word “oh.” It’s nothing against any babies, or their parents, but I just don’t know how to pretend that I’m impressed or entertained. Probably has something to do with having a heart of coal.

Start a boat motor.
I have never tried to do this, but I can guarantee I would not figure it out.

Something Unusual

Working in the game industry means I’m generally exposed to a lot of games. Some of this is due to researching our competitors, some is just watching what’s popular around the office, and even less of it is from my own personal enjoyment. Being that I grew up playing games, at the ripe age of 30 I spend less time playing games now than ever before. I tried Guitar Hero and got bored with it; I’ve played about 5 hours total across all Grand Theft Auto games; and I’ve never played more than 15 minutes of a Halo game. My friends continually pressure me to buy the latest Mario Kart, and I’ve given both the latest Mario and Zelda games a miss.

However, over the past month or two, I did something that flies in the face of these facts: I played Metroid Prime 3, for the Wii, in its entirety. I can probably count on one hand the number of games I’ve actually played to the finish in the past three years. Metroid has always been one of my favourites, and I felt somehow obligated to see the final installment in the series through to the end (especially considering there will be a long, long gap between it and any future Metroid games). Total time dedicated to saving the universe from Metroids: roughly 18 hours. Sounds like a lot? Well, consider that many games can take 30 to 50 hours to complete - or games that go on forever, like World of Warcraft.

So what now? Well, I’ve got a couple Wii games on deck that will need playing, plus if it’s ever in stock anywhere in the world I may pick up the latest game/gimmick, Wii Fit. In the fall, the dancing/maracas game Samba De Amigo hits and nothing will stop me from buying that.